Body spray and walk away
One of the great things about living in the burbs is that you get a little patch to call your own. A small oasis of privacy and calm away from the glare of your fellow citizens. A bit of unkempt backyard and a deck in need of staining to call one's own, if you will.
When I step out my back door, if I squint a bit, and the neighbour's dog isn't barking much I can imagine that I am alone. Apart from the wriggly toddler on my hip, that is. Blissfully, apart from the one year old, alone.
Except that we're not alone at all. As much as surburbanites may have more square meterage in which to play than city dwellers, we are as surrounded by humanity as anyone else.
This was never more clear to me than earlier in the week when I stepped out that same back door and sensed a presence.
There was no one there but it seemed as if there should have been as I could detect the unmistakable odour of men's body spray. Something in the Lynx line, if I wasn't mistaken.
But how could this be? The Silver Fox wasn't home (and he doesn't use that stuff anyway). I ran my eyes around the back door area looking for a courier delivery but found none. But I could definitely smell someone. Would a cat burglar a) target a house with as untidy a lawn as ours b) be wearing body spray? I took a quick squiz around the roofline to be sure.
And then I checked the time. 3:30pm. And we live reasonably close to the local high school.
It's the boys. It's the boys walking home after school drenched in Lynx that I can smell. Wow, that is impressive.
Now, it's worth mentioning at this point that our back door has got to be at least 20 metres from the nearest public footpath. It's not even very close to any of the neighbour's backyard areas. So whoever I could smell must have been damn near unbearable up close.
Maybe it's not just one person. Maybe it's actually the accumulated body spray of dozens of pubescent males that creates a miasma of fragrance so intense that it can disperse across vast areas choking entire suburbs.
Not for the first time I thanked my lucky stars that the twists and turns of my job history had not lead me to a high school teaching position. I seriously doubt my nervous system would be able to handle it.
I wondered who a person would complain to about random, non-life-threatening air pollution. The city council website did not have an appropriate option. I considered sending them a message anyway.
Is smelling body spray better than smelling teenage body odour? Yes, it is. But son, if people around you cough, sneeze and excuse themselves in your presence you may be overdoing it a tad. And if they can smell you from 20 metres away you definitely are.
Have you ever had a similar experience? What sort of concentration of Lynx-wearing teens would it take for a person to be overcome and lose consciousness? Can we weaponise this somehow and use it against insane 1080 protestors?
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